Because I Must

November 18, 2005

It’s been over a year since I lived in Los Angeles, yet I find that what I learned that summer always stays with me.  I did a lot of growing up there, and I was poured into by people who are leading with their lives-heart, soul, mind and strength.  I had a conversation one time with Alex McManus.  One of many conversations that we had that summer.  It is hard to explain unless you have it in you.  This thing that pushes you forward.  This sense of your life being powerful, meaningful.   This sense that God wants to accomplish something great with your life.   Alex calls it the sense of  "must".  I don’t want to be a "church leader".  I don’t want to teach people and walk with them through the Bible.  I don’t want to build relationships with people who don’t know Jesus.  I don’t want to create a community of people who bring the kingdom of God to a broken world.  I don’t WANT to do any of this that I am indeed doing.  I simply MUST.  It is not an option.  That is what drives me to live the way I do.  It isn’t a perfect life by any means, but it is a life conducive to the "must" within me.  The "must" will haunt me until this is all over.  It’s enough to drive a person mad.  To think, I have 50 years or more  (maybe) to live out this these longings that claw at me; that won’t ever go away.  I’ve tried to quiet them.  I’ve tried to ignore them.  I have found that I have no free will to do so.  Erwin said to me last summer that I am in the small percentage of people in this world who wake up thinking that they can and must change the world.   Then he warned me: "Never under estimate one single act of faithfulness." 

In a world full of people
Only some want to fly.
Is that not crazy?

No, we’re never going to suvive
Unless we get a little crazy.

-Seal [Crazy]

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby’s head.
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile.
I’ve had enough
I’m not giving up
On a miracle drug.

-U2 [Miracle Drug]


One comment

  1. a quote from rainier maria rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet: “Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”

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